Sunday, December 9, 2007
To All My Friends:
- As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months
- Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
- Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
- Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
- Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
- And, I don't use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
- I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
- I won't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
- I don't go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
- I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
- I won't answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
- And, I never eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
- I no longer have any sneakers—but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
- I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
- I'm not worried about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
- Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
- I don't have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)
- I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM CST this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's Ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician's illegitimate son.
Have a wonderful day....
PS: A scientist of the Hebraic persuasion from Brooklyn, N.Y., after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
…don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.