Sunday, August 9, 2009

Heavy Metal is bad for you

Today we bought a new Black and Decker clothes iron at Walmart for 12 dollars. This meant we could finally get rid of our old cursed iron. Aside from trying to electrocute Robyn every time she used it lately, it once tried kill our oldest girl Krystal(and get me in trouble...).

Robyn and I had been married for about a year, which would make Krystal about 10 years old, Brandy about 8 years old and Bree about 6 years old.

I was working nights and staying home with the girls during the day, so Robyn could go to school. Of course that meant we turned the house into a total zoo. Loud music, chocolate cake and crackers for breakfast, and a lot of destruction of personal property were the order of the day.

One day, just before lunch I was minding my own business in the living room(which was a TOTAL no-wrestling zone), when I was ambushed by the three little savages. If I remember right, Bree flew across the room from behind me and wrapped her arms around my neck, while Krystal and Brandy tried to take out my legs.

My main objective was to remain standing. To survive I needed to eliminate the biggest threat, Krystal. As the battle raged on, I ignored Bree and got Brandy into a headlock. Somehow I managed to use my remaining arm to pin Krystal to the ground.

At this point I gave her a fierce tickling. I stood up and was poking her stomach with my foot and she responded by flopping around like a fish. What none of us noticed was the ironing board that she was lying next to. Her violent flailing caused it to wobble. Which caused the very heavy iron sitting on the very edge of the ironing board to wobble, then it just hung over the edge for a while, like one of those cheesy basketball scenes where the ball could go in the hoop or fall out. I watched helpless as it fell directly toward Krystal's head. Krystal looked up at the last second as the flat of the iron came down right on her nose....

Sickening Thud!

I'm not sure what was worse, the long moment of silence after impact when I thought she was knocked out, or the loud scream that followed. I was pretty worried that her nose was broken. I did not have the car. Robyn did not have a cell phone. I didn't know if I should call an ambulance. By now Krystal was screaming blue murder and Brandy and Bree decided it would be helpful to run around screaming as well. I think one of them was actually yelling, "What did you do? What did you do?"

Just then Robyn came home for lunch. She walks in to see Krystal with a bloody nose and both eyes going black, yelling, "Daddy broke my nose!"

Robyn rushed her to the hospital, and she survived. She was not horribly disfigured, nor was her nose broken. She did have a black eye or two and a cut across her nose. We were all grounded for a while for roughhousing in the living room.

I guess between this and the bleach incident, I should just avoid laundry implements. Although I've never tried to dry a cat.


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