Miscarriage... :(

It happened again.
The unexpected excitement when we found out we were expecting ...
even though we hadn't been trying...
The short wait...
The feeling that something was just not right..
and then...
the moment of truth.. loss of symptoms...not enough symptoms...
and then bleeding...
today an ultrasound confirming what I already knew..
more sad blood tests following the dropping HCG levels...

My second miscarriage in two years...

I know that there are people out there who don't understand.
Why would I want yet ANOTHER baby... #6 it would have been...
Aren't five enough?
Yes.... five were enough...
I LOVE... ADORE my kids...
and our choice to have Jeremy and Gracie after so many years with no kids?
We have loved every moment of it..
Even the bad ones...and there have been those.
And the tired days. And there have been TONS of those.
But...once the pregnancy was there...
we wanted that baby too.
we wanted that little one to join the family,
no matter how surprised we were that it was there..
and now.. there is a baby shaped hole,
that no one else can fill.

and now once again...in May...
I will remember that two babies could have been with us...

and I will try to understand what God meant when He told me
that I have "two little pearls waiting for me in Heaven"... treasures I can't have now."
and that "Life is His to give, and His to take away"
I wanted to hold them now instead....
I want to not feel sad all the time...
and I want to hold my youngest two all the closer,
because I am so thankful that God allowed me to have them with me now...

I did not want to go to church on Sunday,
and watch another lady be healed of her sore knee
when I was watching a dream slip away...
and I didn't want to feel very angry at God....
so angry I slammed a door hard enough to shake a wall
so angry that I didn't want to pray.
(He is big enough...He can handle our sadness and anger)

I did appreciate my OB and his wife,
who prayed with me, and said they will continue to do so at home.'
I know they will.

so for now...these words are my hope and comfort...till I feel better....
and I will.

though he slay me, yet will I trust him." .... "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

I struggled as to whether or not to share this, as we didn't really tell many people we
were expecting this time,
but I feel that more moms need to know it is ok to talk about death...
about loss.... miscarriage at all stages....
It is ok to grieve... and No...you never really get over it..
or forget. That is ok too.

so many avoid talking about it because it is uncomfortable...
but those babies were real to us, even if they were with us for a short time...

Please feel free to share your story.. or e-mail me  if you like. I would be happy to pray for you..or just talk...

Whether you feel it or not...God will walk with you.